My real data doesn't make sense.
I'm going in tomorrow to talk to a professor who has done this assay before and may be able to help me fix it, but for now my numbers are all over the place. It looks like I may have to redo the whole thing. Aaaarrrrgh!
On the upside, I just got back from a great trip to Albuquerque. I'll post details of that, and the long-awaited rant, soon, but for now, it's late. Sleep!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Monday, June 23, 2008
No rant today either, mostly because I have reached the stage of exhausted where you half feel like you're floating and half feel like every heartbeat is some enormous effort that requires your whole body to accomplish. My schedule has been torn to shreds by the demands of my uber-finicky cells (which I think may be possessed - 5 generations in 12 hours? Simply not possible. And the cell counter and excel did the calculations for me, so I'm pretty sure it's not sleep-math...). I have been at work at all hours (and I do mean all hours) in the last week, and everything else has dropped by the wayside. The good news, however, is that I am currently home, on my bed, having decided that the alamar blue assay can wait until tomorrow. I'll catch up on work then -- now I sleep.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Where to begin?
My niece is adorable. I've been having the best time going over every week or two and playing with her while my sister and brother-in-law get some grown up time; mostly they use it to go grocery shopping, which isn't all that exciting, but from my days as a nanny I remember what its like when doing a chore efficiently or eating an uninterrupted meal or reading a chapter in your book is a huge privilege, so I won't malign the shopping.
I have a plan for next year, and it is to go home. It is a not insignificant triumph for everyone involved that my family and I are really looking forward to this. When I first moved out, an undisclosed number of years ago, no one would have predicted my return to residency, much less the joy had by all at the prospect. Of course, it helps that three more of my siblings have moved out, so there is considerably more room in the house than when I first vacated it, and it helps more that I am now the reinforcements for dealing with the angsty teenagers rather than being the angsty teenager myself. There are advantages to raising a large brood of independent, intelligent, determined (read: stubborn) kids, but ease of parenting during the teenage years is not one of them. But on to the plan. After determining that benchwork really isn't for me (or, rather, that I am not for it, a conclusion which may have been reached too soon), I steeled myself to investigate the dubious promise of bioinformatics. They claim that I can do biology, but on a computer. Advantages: I am good at computers; there might be actual right and wrong answers, discoverable by following discernable and consistant protocols; I am good at organization, another key bioinformatics skill; I could occasionally work from home, or another state or, you know, China, if I was so inclined. Disadvantages: Math. That pretty much sums it up. It's not that I dislike math, its that I'm going to have to teach myself some higher level calculus, a lot more statistics and, oh yeah, how to program. That part is actually going pretty well -- Java's not so bad, and I hear C++ is pretty similar. So I'm going to move home, take a temporary part time job, bond with my family, study, and endure another excruciating round of PhD applications, which is in and of itself practically a full time job, but with opposite cash flow. At least my parents aren't going to charge me rent.
So if all goes well, or at least well-ish, I'll spend two semesters in good ol' Abq, and then be back in school in time to do my first rotation over the summer. The time at home will be a great chance to write some more music with Ryan and some more story with Jessica, and learn how to play the bass guitar (I decided that will be my reward for enduring this stupid program -- the degree itself feels more like a requirement than a commendation). I miss NM, and I won't miss driving in snow, so all is well there.
This all hinges, of course, on me actually graduating some time, which I am happy to report is looking slightly more likely than it has for a couple of months. My adviser is out of town until late July, my committee is more or less off my back, and my cells have miraculously decided to grow! Actually, we just finally tried enough things differently to figure out what they like and what they don't. Research is a very time consuming process. I have started transfections and will actually be collecting real data from here on out. I'm delighted.
The data looks good so far, too. I can't get too excited about it because I have a single reading, and that doesn't count for squat in anyone's book, plus I am severely sleep deprived (started the transfections at 5 pm or so on Tuesday, had to go feed them at 3 am Wednesday and so didn't sleep at all that night, woke up (for 1/2 hour or more) 6 times between 6:30 am, when I finally got to bed, and 4 pm, when I finally decided to give up on trying to get sleep and go back to work already, and its now... oh dear. 1:30 am. I get to be back at school to feed cells and take samples at 7 am. Who needs sleep?) and thus prone to overreaction and illogical thinking. But still, it's encouraging. It looks like this project, unlike my last one, might actually lead to a feasible cancer treatment, assuming dosage and delivery obstacles could be overcome and this happens in all p53 WT cancers (that's about half of all cancer, btw!) and not just this one particular cell line. Hey, I didn't say it was going to happen soon. I just said it might eventually lead to something, which in research is about as good as you can ask for, especially if you're just a lowly grad student.
I'm still trying to handle the side effects of all of the last few months' stress. I'm (mostly) successfully avoiding old bad habits for handling freak-out level pressure, but I'm now experiencing pronounced insomnia (no! it's true!), frequent migraines, frequent normal headaches, chronic fatigue (which certainly doesn't have anything to do with the insomnia), panic attacks, and other things that I thought would go away when the stress let up a bit but so far seem inclined to stay. I'll see what I can do to fix that when I have more research out of the way. Now that my lab time is actually productive, I intend to throw everything in and just live there until I have this project wrapped up. I'll have a life then. Right now I need to graduate.
Speaking of graduating, I have rants on behalf of my fellow grad students, but they will have to wait. It's late, and I should at least attempt sleep before I go in tomorrow, lest I sabotage myself with muddled thinking even worse coordination. For now, let me just say congratulations to Daniel and Wendy, and to young Spencer Brent: welcome to the world.
My niece is adorable. I've been having the best time going over every week or two and playing with her while my sister and brother-in-law get some grown up time; mostly they use it to go grocery shopping, which isn't all that exciting, but from my days as a nanny I remember what its like when doing a chore efficiently or eating an uninterrupted meal or reading a chapter in your book is a huge privilege, so I won't malign the shopping.
I have a plan for next year, and it is to go home. It is a not insignificant triumph for everyone involved that my family and I are really looking forward to this. When I first moved out, an undisclosed number of years ago, no one would have predicted my return to residency, much less the joy had by all at the prospect. Of course, it helps that three more of my siblings have moved out, so there is considerably more room in the house than when I first vacated it, and it helps more that I am now the reinforcements for dealing with the angsty teenagers rather than being the angsty teenager myself. There are advantages to raising a large brood of independent, intelligent, determined (read: stubborn) kids, but ease of parenting during the teenage years is not one of them. But on to the plan. After determining that benchwork really isn't for me (or, rather, that I am not for it, a conclusion which may have been reached too soon), I steeled myself to investigate the dubious promise of bioinformatics. They claim that I can do biology, but on a computer. Advantages: I am good at computers; there might be actual right and wrong answers, discoverable by following discernable and consistant protocols; I am good at organization, another key bioinformatics skill; I could occasionally work from home, or another state or, you know, China, if I was so inclined. Disadvantages: Math. That pretty much sums it up. It's not that I dislike math, its that I'm going to have to teach myself some higher level calculus, a lot more statistics and, oh yeah, how to program. That part is actually going pretty well -- Java's not so bad, and I hear C++ is pretty similar. So I'm going to move home, take a temporary part time job, bond with my family, study, and endure another excruciating round of PhD applications, which is in and of itself practically a full time job, but with opposite cash flow. At least my parents aren't going to charge me rent.
So if all goes well, or at least well-ish, I'll spend two semesters in good ol' Abq, and then be back in school in time to do my first rotation over the summer. The time at home will be a great chance to write some more music with Ryan and some more story with Jessica, and learn how to play the bass guitar (I decided that will be my reward for enduring this stupid program -- the degree itself feels more like a requirement than a commendation). I miss NM, and I won't miss driving in snow, so all is well there.
This all hinges, of course, on me actually graduating some time, which I am happy to report is looking slightly more likely than it has for a couple of months. My adviser is out of town until late July, my committee is more or less off my back, and my cells have miraculously decided to grow! Actually, we just finally tried enough things differently to figure out what they like and what they don't. Research is a very time consuming process. I have started transfections and will actually be collecting real data from here on out. I'm delighted.
The data looks good so far, too. I can't get too excited about it because I have a single reading, and that doesn't count for squat in anyone's book, plus I am severely sleep deprived (started the transfections at 5 pm or so on Tuesday, had to go feed them at 3 am Wednesday and so didn't sleep at all that night, woke up (for 1/2 hour or more) 6 times between 6:30 am, when I finally got to bed, and 4 pm, when I finally decided to give up on trying to get sleep and go back to work already, and its now... oh dear. 1:30 am. I get to be back at school to feed cells and take samples at 7 am. Who needs sleep?) and thus prone to overreaction and illogical thinking. But still, it's encouraging. It looks like this project, unlike my last one, might actually lead to a feasible cancer treatment, assuming dosage and delivery obstacles could be overcome and this happens in all p53 WT cancers (that's about half of all cancer, btw!) and not just this one particular cell line. Hey, I didn't say it was going to happen soon. I just said it might eventually lead to something, which in research is about as good as you can ask for, especially if you're just a lowly grad student.
I'm still trying to handle the side effects of all of the last few months' stress. I'm (mostly) successfully avoiding old bad habits for handling freak-out level pressure, but I'm now experiencing pronounced insomnia (no! it's true!), frequent migraines, frequent normal headaches, chronic fatigue (which certainly doesn't have anything to do with the insomnia), panic attacks, and other things that I thought would go away when the stress let up a bit but so far seem inclined to stay. I'll see what I can do to fix that when I have more research out of the way. Now that my lab time is actually productive, I intend to throw everything in and just live there until I have this project wrapped up. I'll have a life then. Right now I need to graduate.
Speaking of graduating, I have rants on behalf of my fellow grad students, but they will have to wait. It's late, and I should at least attempt sleep before I go in tomorrow, lest I sabotage myself with muddled thinking even worse coordination. For now, let me just say congratulations to Daniel and Wendy, and to young Spencer Brent: welcome to the world.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Okay, I know I've been horrible. It's been forever since I posted. If its any consolation, you haven't missed much. My life at this point is pretty repetitive - class, cells, sleep (not enough of that), with intervals of high drama which aren't much fun to be in. Lately I've been trying to decide what will become of me when I finish with this degree (assuming such a thing is even possible - it still feels like I will never escape). PhD work with UT Houston, affiliated with the MD Anderson Cancer Research Center, is a possibility, but I have to go interview with them before I will know if they will give me the chance. If that doesn't work out, I guess I'll have to leave the ivory tower and experience this "real world" I hear rumors of. I don't really know what I'll do when I get there, but I'm told I have options. I think science programs really need to do a better job of preparing students for the transition from school into the professional world. I'm pretty much helpless when it comes to doing anything other than pursuing a professorship. Thank goodness BYU has a great business school willing to offer help to us eggheads.
We have made it again to the end of the semester, and I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, statistics is finally over. Definitely a good thing. Don't get me wrong, it's useful stuff and it was a lot easier this time through than other times I've tried to tackle it, but 3 straight hours of lecture, with multiple homework assignments every week? That's just not right, especially not for me. I'm the kind of girl who wants to just read the book, take the test and be done with it. This approach works great for me for everything short of calculus (and I include in that category all of biology, the social sciences, chemistry, english, the arts... pretty much everything. Except math). I should be done with all of my teaching responsibilities, which is good in that I will have more time and less frustration, but bad because I actually do think what I do is great and I love sharing it. It also means a big turnover in the ward, and I'm really going to miss a lot of people. Not that I ever do anything with them outside of church, but still. Maybe I'll have some fun this summer. I really do miss being a human being, with well rounded interests. I used to have time to write creatively, to read non-academic books, to be outside... I did get a little of that last week, though, and that was fun. Branding at the Bartschi ranch -- great people, good food, sunshine, and cows, which as everyone knows are inherently funny. Also, a lot of really happy dogs. It's hard to be depressed or burnt out when you are in the company of an excited dog.
It's also hard to be unhappy when you see a baby smile. My niece, who is now just over 4 months old, has figured out how to do this. She loves music, and she has a great sense for when the crying is driving people crazy and she needs to work the cuteness to compensate. Hopefully we'll figure out how to fix the crying soon, and then she can just smile because she likes to. I think she's probably a very happy baby, when her tummy doesn't hurt her.
On a completely unrelated note, my current playlist is a mix of Breaking Benjamen and Spamalot. Is that normal?
We have made it again to the end of the semester, and I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, statistics is finally over. Definitely a good thing. Don't get me wrong, it's useful stuff and it was a lot easier this time through than other times I've tried to tackle it, but 3 straight hours of lecture, with multiple homework assignments every week? That's just not right, especially not for me. I'm the kind of girl who wants to just read the book, take the test and be done with it. This approach works great for me for everything short of calculus (and I include in that category all of biology, the social sciences, chemistry, english, the arts... pretty much everything. Except math). I should be done with all of my teaching responsibilities, which is good in that I will have more time and less frustration, but bad because I actually do think what I do is great and I love sharing it. It also means a big turnover in the ward, and I'm really going to miss a lot of people. Not that I ever do anything with them outside of church, but still. Maybe I'll have some fun this summer. I really do miss being a human being, with well rounded interests. I used to have time to write creatively, to read non-academic books, to be outside... I did get a little of that last week, though, and that was fun. Branding at the Bartschi ranch -- great people, good food, sunshine, and cows, which as everyone knows are inherently funny. Also, a lot of really happy dogs. It's hard to be depressed or burnt out when you are in the company of an excited dog.
It's also hard to be unhappy when you see a baby smile. My niece, who is now just over 4 months old, has figured out how to do this. She loves music, and she has a great sense for when the crying is driving people crazy and she needs to work the cuteness to compensate. Hopefully we'll figure out how to fix the crying soon, and then she can just smile because she likes to. I think she's probably a very happy baby, when her tummy doesn't hurt her.
On a completely unrelated note, my current playlist is a mix of Breaking Benjamen and Spamalot. Is that normal?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
I'm starting to wonder if I'm the person I think I am.
I'm over a year without a boyfriend - that is far and away the longest time I've ever gone without a serious relationship. It's been good for me, probably. The hardest thing about it is that my boyfriends have always also been my bestfriends (and in some cases still are, which causes complications), and so I feel like I'm losing friends, running out. It's been much harder than I expected to maintain my self identity without anyone to... play? with me. Someone who really understood me, challenged me regularly, was willing to banter and to indulge my rants and to side track me. It's been hard to focus on some goals without anyone watching my progress, encouraging me. I didn't realize how much I've depended on some of those interactions.
I love Biology, specifically Molecular Biology (the distinction is really important), but I haven't been sure lately that I belong in grad school. I don't feel like I'm very good at it. On the other hand, I'm a good organizer, I think I can see what needs to be done, and when we started discussing gene regulation by histone tail modification... sure enough, there was that insuppressible grin. "Goofy happy". It's just my thing; I can't help it. PhD applications are making me kinda wish I could, though. Ick, big time.
I've tried to make myself a patient, kind person. Someone generous and accepting and really positive. Lately, though, I find myself really irritable and ready to snap at anything. I don't, but I want to. This may be due at least in part to sleep deprivation; I've experienced the symptoms before. That's not a good excuse, though.
Some stuff to think about, I guess. One of the fun things about life is getting to choose who we become. Maybe I need to choose a little harder. ;-)
I'm over a year without a boyfriend - that is far and away the longest time I've ever gone without a serious relationship. It's been good for me, probably. The hardest thing about it is that my boyfriends have always also been my bestfriends (and in some cases still are, which causes complications), and so I feel like I'm losing friends, running out. It's been much harder than I expected to maintain my self identity without anyone to... play? with me. Someone who really understood me, challenged me regularly, was willing to banter and to indulge my rants and to side track me. It's been hard to focus on some goals without anyone watching my progress, encouraging me. I didn't realize how much I've depended on some of those interactions.
I love Biology, specifically Molecular Biology (the distinction is really important), but I haven't been sure lately that I belong in grad school. I don't feel like I'm very good at it. On the other hand, I'm a good organizer, I think I can see what needs to be done, and when we started discussing gene regulation by histone tail modification... sure enough, there was that insuppressible grin. "Goofy happy". It's just my thing; I can't help it. PhD applications are making me kinda wish I could, though. Ick, big time.
I've tried to make myself a patient, kind person. Someone generous and accepting and really positive. Lately, though, I find myself really irritable and ready to snap at anything. I don't, but I want to. This may be due at least in part to sleep deprivation; I've experienced the symptoms before. That's not a good excuse, though.
Some stuff to think about, I guess. One of the fun things about life is getting to choose who we become. Maybe I need to choose a little harder. ;-)
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Family stuff
I find out tomorrow whether I'm going to have a niece or a nephew at Christmas. I'm so excited! And my brother gets married in 6 weeks. It's been a really amazing couple years for us. I'm really happy for both of them. And I've been really enjoying having my baby brother with me, helping out in the lab. We never have had enough time together, and he's been a huge help to my research as well. Now if I can just kidnap my baby sister, all will be well. ;-) I had a quick visit home last weekend, which was so much fun, and I'll actually get to see significant portions of my family every month through the end of the year. That's really rare, and I'm definately enjoying it.
My paper is in for review - wish me luck! It would be fantastic if they accept it. I'm hoping to get two more out in the next 3 months. My PhD applications could really use it!
My paper is in for review - wish me luck! It would be fantastic if they accept it. I'm hoping to get two more out in the next 3 months. My PhD applications could really use it!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
For the first time in a couple months I'm feeling really hopeful and optimistic about my research. I think I have finally assembled the dedicated, competent, scientifically-minded group of people I have needed all along, and even if its only the four of us, we can work this out. We have supplies, we're running our test procedures... we may actually have data soon! Everything we're doing this week is roughly the equivalent of the sound check at the last concert you attended. It's a pain, but we need to know if we have to replace a metaphorical speaker or two, and it will be worth it when we get down to really making music. I am such a nerd, aren't I? I can't help it. And I've put so much work into this project that when I actually have data to show for it, it will feel symphonic.
As a side bonus, I'm actually going to have a social life this weekend. Thursday is Institute, Friday the grad students are getting together to play Killer Bunnies and watch Monk, and Saturday I'm headed to Salt Lake for a Serenity party with my little brother, who should hypothetically have moved here (if only for three weeks) by then. Hmmm, I should finalize his housing...
As a side bonus, I'm actually going to have a social life this weekend. Thursday is Institute, Friday the grad students are getting together to play Killer Bunnies and watch Monk, and Saturday I'm headed to Salt Lake for a Serenity party with my little brother, who should hypothetically have moved here (if only for three weeks) by then. Hmmm, I should finalize his housing...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)