I'm starting to wonder if I'm the person I think I am.

I'm over a year without a boyfriend - that is far and away the longest time I've ever gone without a serious relationship. It's been good for me, probably. The hardest thing about it is that my boyfriends have always also been my bestfriends (and in some cases still are, which causes complications), and so I feel like I'm losing friends, running out. It's been much harder than I expected to maintain my self identity without anyone to... play? with me. Someone who really understood me, challenged me regularly, was willing to banter and to indulge my rants and to side track me. It's been hard to focus on some goals without anyone watching my progress, encouraging me. I didn't realize how much I've depended on some of those interactions.
I love Biology, specifically Molecular Biology (the distinction is really important), but I haven't been sure lately that I belong in grad school. I don't feel like I'm very good at it. On the other hand, I'm a good organizer, I think I can see what needs to be done, and when we started discussing gene regulation by histone tail modification... sure enough, there was that insuppressible grin. "Goofy happy". It's just my thing; I can't help it. PhD applications are making me kinda wish I could, though. Ick, big time.
I've tried to make myself a patient, kind person. Someone generous and accepting and really positive. Lately, though, I find myself really irritable and ready to snap at anything. I don't, but I want to. This may be due at least in part to sleep deprivation; I've experienced the symptoms before. That's not a good excuse, though.

Some stuff to think about, I guess. One of the fun things about life is getting to choose who we become. Maybe I need to choose a little harder. ;-)

Family stuff

I find out tomorrow whether I'm going to have a niece or a nephew at Christmas. I'm so excited! And my brother gets married in 6 weeks. It's been a really amazing couple years for us. I'm really happy for both of them. And I've been really enjoying having my baby brother with me, helping out in the lab. We never have had enough time together, and he's been a huge help to my research as well. Now if I can just kidnap my baby sister, all will be well. ;-) I had a quick visit home last weekend, which was so much fun, and I'll actually get to see significant portions of my family every month through the end of the year. That's really rare, and I'm definately enjoying it.

My paper is in for review - wish me luck! It would be fantastic if they accept it. I'm hoping to get two more out in the next 3 months. My PhD applications could really use it!

For the first time in a couple months I'm feeling really hopeful and optimistic about my research. I think I have finally assembled the dedicated, competent, scientifically-minded group of people I have needed all along, and even if its only the four of us, we can work this out. We have supplies, we're running our test procedures... we may actually have data soon! Everything we're doing this week is roughly the equivalent of the sound check at the last concert you attended. It's a pain, but we need to know if we have to replace a metaphorical speaker or two, and it will be worth it when we get down to really making music. I am such a nerd, aren't I? I can't help it. And I've put so much work into this project that when I actually have data to show for it, it will feel symphonic.

As a side bonus, I'm actually going to have a social life this weekend. Thursday is Institute, Friday the grad students are getting together to play Killer Bunnies and watch Monk, and Saturday I'm headed to Salt Lake for a Serenity party with my little brother, who should hypothetically have moved here (if only for three weeks) by then. Hmmm, I should finalize his housing...

Back to Reality

I just got back from a fabulous vacation in Mexico... I'm not sure I'm ready to be home. There is something about the ocean that just won't let me go, and anytime I can spend a couple full days kicking back with a good book and a pina colada, that's a good time. On the other hand, I'm really excited about my work, and I was impatient to get back to it even while on vacation, so I suppose it could be much worse. I spent time with my family, got some sun and some time in the water, finished a couple good books, marveled at the amazing accomplishments of the ancient Maya, and enjoyed the local wildlife. I got to pet a sea turtle! I didn't know that was one of my life goals until I did it. I have pictures of pretty much everything but the sea turtle (I need a good waterproof digital camera!) and I'll post a couple, as soon as I find my USB cord and can rescue the photos from the camera.

Why I haven't been around much...

It's amazing how fast life comes at you sometimes, isn't it? This last month has been so busy! I'm a student, so I had finals, my little brother graduated from high school, I've written a paper which should be just about ready to submit to a journal for review, I've helped some friends out with applications for professional school, and I've successfully planned, supplied, and organized a huge research project. A couple times, actually, as things have changed during the planning period. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can just focus on the research and start getting some results. That will feel really nice. Be nice to your managers; its a lot of work coordinating the activities of many people, especially if they have a lot of unique circumstances.

I did have some fun, too; I recommend both the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie and the new Spiderman movie. They had mixed reviews, I know, but I found them both thoroughly enjoyable, taken for what they are. Fun scenery and costumes, reasonable, interesting character development, running jokes... good stuff.

Naming the blog

There is a particular poem my grandfather has loved to recite for as long as I can remember. He is a very intelligent man, and has a great passion for understanding the universe. The poem, Measurement, by AM Sullivan, appealed to the scientist in both of us, and quickly became a favorite of mine. I have grown more fond of it with time, as my forays into molecular biology have reinforced to me that "there is in God's swift reckoning a universe in everything." The poem opens with the assertion that "Stars and atoms have no size; they only vary in men's eyes." It seemed appropriate, when asked by my computer what name I wanted to present to the blogging world to describe myself, to draw from that first line. I'm lucky, actually; names are important to me, and I could have been stuck on this one a very long time.

To add a little second layer of meaning here, I'll just add one of my favorite quotes, one from Nietzsche that comforts me when the chaotic nature of my life starts to get to me. Yeah, you all know it, but I'm going to repeat it anyway. "One must still have chaos in one's self to be able to give birth to a dancing star." Pretty, no? There is hope yet for my chaos. On the atoms front, well, I'm loopy about them, although I work more with molecules (most of them macromolecules) than with individual atoms. I am fascinated by the complicated workings of the human body, particularly the way that all these inanimate bits work together without our conscious intervention to make us alive. It's a huge, intricate, amazing dance, and I expect to happily spend the rest of my life exploring it.

So that's me, in three words. Stars and atoms. Welcome to my nook.